never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
