Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
