Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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