On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
