It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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