How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
