you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
