whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
