I CAN MOONWALK!
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
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FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
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I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize