My sheets look like a crime scene.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
