she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
