did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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