i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
