You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
