If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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