A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
