That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
