i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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