She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
