He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
