I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
