So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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