She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
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She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You need a sexual gate keeper
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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