I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
