dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
is wine microwaveable?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
