Yo dont text me then not text me
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
