Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
