Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
