Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
