My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
