I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
