Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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