mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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