happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
