life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
