just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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