We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
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Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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