I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
