My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She bit a glass in half.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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