my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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