My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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