I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
