If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
