sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
