Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
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You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
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I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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