no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
