so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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