oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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