mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i think i just lost a toe
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
