after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
