i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
