My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
