well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
