Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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