I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
