you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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