Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
