Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
