see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
