okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
