I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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