Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
