I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
