And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
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He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
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