Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
my liver is dry heaving
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
